Renna Communications

Modern Families: Love Makes a Family

Advocate.com | July 20, 2010

Parenthood didn’t seem possible. Then Cathy and Leah got married.

When did you know you wanted to have children?
Cathy: I have always loved kids, but becoming a parent myself didn’t seem possible until I married Leah. When we told my mom that Leah was pregnant, my mother’s response was, “I always knew you wanted children, but I thought it would never happen.” She was so excited. She turned to Leah and said, “You know twins run in our family!”

Leah: I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to have children. I’ve always felt the desire most strongly when I’m in love. When Cathy and I first fell in love 20 years ago, I remember waking up in bed with her, watching her sleep and thinking how beautiful our children would be. And then crying because I wouldn’t be able to have her biological child. It used to be that coming out meant, for many of us, a simultaneous mourning of our resulting infertility. That’s not the case anymore — a reality for which I am deeply grateful.

What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned as a parent?
Cathy: Patience and perspective. Rosemary has helped me to understand what really is important in life and to appreciate every day and every moment.

Leah: Well, it certainly has reinforced the lesson that I am not now nor will I ever be perfect! And more important, that perfection isn’t desirable — that how we live with our imperfection and the imperfection in others is the interesting bit.

Have you or your children ever faced discrimination as a gay family?
Cathy: Not in an overt fashion, like denial of access in a hospital situation or anything like that, but we certainly have dealt with our fair share of nasty looks and comments from strangers. I would call it cultural or social discrimination. But we are very purposeful about choosing a life and communities where we are able to be out and to have diverse families around us. The unconditional support of my family of origin has been extraordinary. In fact, Rosemary has brought me closer to them in ways I did not anticipate. I knew my mother fully recognized Rosemary as her grandchild when I peaked at the family Bible and saw that she had written in Rosemary’s name as well as Leah’s. Which made me cry.

Leah: Yes, and from a very unexpected source that I’m not surprised Cathy might have blocked out. Back when I was pregnant, Cathy was working for a nominally progressive public relations firm. As my delivery date neared, management of the firm decided to rewrite their definitions of parental leave specifically to exclude Cathy from being able to take maternity leave. We felt so blindsided; it was a horrifying experience. In large part as a result, we moved up the timing on our idea to start to create our own firm, something we did when Rosemary was 6 months old. Having our own business has enabled us to create some financial protections for our family that we couldn’t otherwise, since we don’t have access to the protections of civil marriage. And starting Renna Communications has been a wonderful thing for our family, so it’s all ended well.

What might people be surprised to learn about your family?
Cathy: I sense surprise mostly from straight parents. They realize we have much more in common than not. I guess that surprised me too.

Leah: [Laughs] I’m imagining all of the antiassimilationists within our community cringing at Cathy’s answer! But I agree with her. However, I would qualify it by saying that there is something profoundly paradigm-changing about lesbians and gay men choosing to become parents within the context of our lives as out queer people.

What’s been the biggest surprise you’ve encountered about being a parent?
Cathy: I anticipated that being a parent would be challenging, rewarding, and fun. What I didn’t realize is how much joy a child can bring into your life or that it would be the best decision I have ever made (with Leah, of course). It has also brought out my not-so-latent inner child in ways I love and has made me a grown-up in ways I now realize I wasn’t before she was born.

Leah: I was very surprised that my deepest self-concept changed. Lesbian poet Audre Lorde wrote, “Now that I am forever with child,” and that sums it up. I will never again, no matter what happens, not be a mother. And as a mother, I am now connected to every other mother in the world, past, present, and future. As a lesbian, I always felt different in some way: some times a good way, sometimes not, but always different. That difference feels so minor now. Not unimportant, but small.